I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I want to do with the rest of my life.
I just turned 62, and after decades of work across various sectors of the I.T. field, I find myself in a position where I can finally do more of what I actually want. For a while now, I’ve felt myself getting closer to an epiphany—one built from a series of seemingly small conclusions.
One of those conclusions arrived within the past two weeks, and I believe it is far more significant than I initially realized.
On Being Neurodivergent
Four years ago, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Since then, through a fair amount of research, I’ve come to realize that I am likely AuDHD (Autistic and ADHD).
To be neurodivergent means your brain is simply wired differently from the presumed majority. Regardless of how one views these diagnoses, it is a fact that some of us share behavioral characteristics that differ from those who are “neurotypical.” We are square pegs trying to fit into round holes constructed by society.
As you might imagine, these square pegs often have to work twice as hard. We don’t just face the standard challenges of life, relationships, and careers; we are often challenged by the very basics of existing in this world. Those of us who spent decades without a diagnosis—like myself—often didn’t even realize there was anything “different” about us. We simply assumed that life was this hard for everyone.
Because most of society’s rules were written by neurotypical folks, we can feel like aliens who landed on the wrong planet by mistake. The native inhabitants of this strange planet don’t seem to struggle with focusing, starting tasks, or finishing them. They can sit still in meetings and actually pay attention. They don’t typically find a new interest and become so obsessed with it that they forget to eat. We aliens, on the other hand, often feel exhausted and overwhelmed, while the “normies” wonder why we’re pooping out so soon.
If you’re not tired of my analogies yet, I have one more.
Imagine you’re playing in the NBA All-Star game… but you’re a professional football player. You might be big, strong, and elite at football, but in basketball, the rules are completely different. Everyone around you seems to know the rules instinctively, but you’re struggling to figure them out as you go because nothing about the game comes naturally to you. You don’t understand why the ref called a foul when you tackled the guy with the ball—and then you realize your cleats keep making you slip on this weird, polished floor, which only draws more laughter from the crowd.
That is what it feels like to move through a world not built for your brain.
Fast-Forward to Today
Despite the odds, I have no regrets. I’ve had a good life, and while “that which does not kill us makes us stronger,” I know things would have been easier had I known sooner. But I also know that I wouldn’t be the person I am today if the path had been smoother.
However, now that I do know, I am in a position to give myself a second chance.
I finally have the means to work on things my way, without imposing restrictions on myself that only hold me back. I mentioned earlier that we often feel “exhausted and overwhelmed”—that isn’t an optimal state for productivity or happiness. I am ready to let myself be me. I want to create an environment where I thrive, even if it’s an environment that no one else understands but me. In these remaining years of my life, I believe I’ve earned the chance to see what I might accomplish if given the correct conditions.
That is the plan. I intend to spend the rest of my life on my own terms, and I refuse to tolerate anyone standing in the way of that simply because I’m not acting how they think I “should.”
Folks in my family generally live to be quite old, so perhaps I have another couple of decades in me. They are mine. I spent a lifetime living by other people’s rules and conforming to their expectations. I worked hard, climbed the ladder, and I like to think I did a lot of good along the way (though I certainly made my share of mistakes!). I helped people and contributed to my community. The truth is, I still want to help people and create things that bring a positive influence to the world.
Of course, life will still have its interruptions: family obligations, bills, taxes, and the inevitable household repairs. I still live in a world where illogical actions often lead to real harm. My time will get sucked up here and there; my mood will occasionally dip. That’s just life. But where I have a choice, my choice has been made.
Stay Tuned!
At the moment, this site isn’t exactly a high-traffic destination. When I say “stay tuned,” I’m mostly talking to a few bots and the occasional random person who stumbles in by mistake. But this is where any success I find in this new phase of my life will be documented.
Feel free to ask me how it’s going—and please, keep me honest!
